The Engaging Function Of Normal Boobs In Fiction

Let’s talk about boobs for a moment. Presumably, if you are reading this, you have some interest in writing stories, and/or have started to write something exciting.

Yes, Victor, Get To The Point!

If you have read books, or watched television, or seen movies, you may have noticed a common theme; namely, the current fear of and obsession with sexuality.

Ah, for the graceful prudishness of yesteryear. I mean, we can all assume that there have been low-brow exploitations of the human body since time immemorial, but once a few centuries have passed, we usually forget about (as in, lose permanently) the really poorly-made stuff from, say, year 1507.

What About The Boobs?

Which brings us to the subject of boobs.

Ah, boobs. Go to any fantasy-themed area, and soak in the ubiquity of unnaturally-lifted and bulbous boobs. Artificially hardened and engorged boobs are a thing, particularly in fantasy, because what else are your suffocating leather corsets for? Hm? You cinch the suitably-rustic ties of said costume, and the conveniently-engorged pads of mammary stuff fluff immediately into jiggly weapons of visual entrapment.

Go Study Human Anatomy, Folks

First, let us remember that boobs do not naturally come in the steel-bubble variety, and let us also avoid anti-gravitational depictions of said objects in our writing. Boobs, when described accurately and with a sense of realistic proportion, draw intense attention. Skillfully and realistically mentioning boobs is something I’m not going to teach you how to do, because that would be short-sighted of me, but I will say that avoiding bubble-boobs and overbalanced action chicks is wise.

But Lara Croft, Victor!

Yes, and the new Lara is infinitely more appealing than the old Lara.

Now let’s talk about how to effectively use boobs in your fiction, because let’s face it, excessive boobage does not lead to the annals of enduring fiction.

What Do The Annals Of Enduring Fiction Have To Do With Anything?

But wait, you say. I will err on the side of good taste; I will exclude all mention of boobs from my work! And this is a good choice, as long as you are planning on never competing professionally, or even amateurly, with the players in the field of creativity. Because all creatives, when they embrace the possibility of professionalhood, come face-to-face with the reality that they will have to make some kind of choice about sexual depiction.

Gosh, Victor, Where Are You Going With This?

There are infinite ways to screw up depictions of the boobed body in fiction, but let’s look at a few general categories:

Too Much Boob (This Had Better Be A Comedy):

Clarissa bent over her magical powders; her hair swung over her chest, which half-fell out of the fitted green bodice of her healer gown. Gavin tried really hard to ignore the freedom with which her cleavage escaped its taut bondage.

No Boob:

“What will we use for the claws?” Gavin asked. He bent over the old book, and Clarissa folded her arms and looked at him.

“We’ll have to go and kill a Ritler,” she said. Gavin hesitated, and glanced up at her. Her face was determined.

Exposure of the Human Bonding Underneath (Transcending Mention of the Boobs):

She was like a sun; I thought she was the center of all that could be in my future. Her back was to me; her silvery-tinted hair swung over her shoulders as she bent over the pestle.

I wanted to grab her by the shoulders, and turn her to me and crush her to my heart. I wanted to say to her, “Do you feel the heat between us?”

The Moral of the Story Is:

Boobs are incidentals to the story. How you mention them, and if they form a feature of your fictional landscape, depends entirely on the tone of your work.

Boobs are fantastic for comedy, and a healthy component of realistic fiction. If you are writing a philosophical treatise, or a story that deals seriously with life, the mention of boobs must serve the form of the story, which means that unless you have a seductress or a damaged lady who has been ill-used (because her feeling of safety will be tied inextricably to how other people react to her sex features), boobs might better be left out of things.

Remember, Realistic Boobs Are Your Friend

Again, if you are writing a comedy, the more natural and human-like boobs the better, because people react so strongly to the subject that sex will create healthy fodder for endless embarrassment and contretemps in the plot.

You’ve been reading Victor Poole. This book has more boobs than my others. Tuesday is the second day in the week, and that has absolutely nothing to do with this book.

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