You’ll Read About Cyborgs In The Example Today

Today in the example you will read a scene with three characters from my science fiction novel, which is almost finished.


Bad Writing: 

She was hidden under a white cloth; they didn’t think she would come around until they were finished. Sure in their time limit, they moved methodically in the work. She was underneath, knocked out.

Two men over her, very silent so far, and one of them taller than the other. He held a big machine, and it rolled over her body rhythmically. The other one watching, sour. The rolling instrument had a pouch, and the end touching her was cold. Of the two, the taller one moved gracefully, while the other stood, his arms folded, and his altered face stern with watching. They were not speaking yet.

Good Writing:

The woman was not awake, and the cyborgs expected her to remain unconscious for far longer than the inadequate dose could guarantee. She lay beneath a thin cotton fabric; her face was obscured by it.

The two cyborgs who stood over her body made little noise; the machinist moved methodically. There was a mutual understanding between them that lent a rhythm to the tall cyborg’s motions. He looked like a slowly-dancing robot. He held a heavy silver instrument that had a sharp nozzle on one end; on the other end was a white bag that drooped shallowly down onto the table.

Mary, The Unconscious One

The woman under the cloth is Mary, an inhabitant of the Human Museum. She is about to have many thrilling, hair-raising adventures in a post-alien-contact universe. Her appearance is partially based on a girl I knew in college who was named Megan. Megan has one kid that I know of now, and a nice husband. She has long, reddish-brown hair, and a friendly smile.

That Scab, The Director

Ooh, I hate this guy. He’s one of the scum of the earth, the type of guy who is the quintessential middle-manager who screws everything up for some cheap score, or because he’s a petty thief. I hate this guy! His character is an encapsulation of everything I hate about petty managers and small-minded folk.

Our Hero, The Machinist Cyborg

Ah, [redacted]. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to give away his name. There, fixed it. Names are important to me. For example, in The Eastern Slave Series, you won’t find out Ajalia’s master’s name until the end of book 9! I know! Not using his name in the novels is a reflection of her own emotional handling of slavery; when she makes peace with her past, and when she is ready, his name becomes used openly. Names give us partial ownership of a person; a character who does not reveal their name is compelling to me, and fascinating. I always want to know more about unnamed characters. They’re alluring and mysterious.

What About The Alien Overlords?

The aliens in this cyborg book are awesome! Book 2 starts to get more into the culture of the alien empire, which is just awesome and exciting. Mary runs into one particular alien who is just the bee’s knees when it comes to volitional and questionable beings. He’s so cool! Not, perhaps, a model for moral development, but cool!

This Book Is Really Cool

I’m working through the book now; it’s written, but I’m ploughing through and inserting more information about the alien culture, the structure of the Human Museum, and tightening a couple of adventures that Mary has. I’m excited to share this awesome book with you soon!

In the meantime . . . you’ve been reading a blog about writing by Victor Poole, and here are the books I have available today! Thanks for reading!