Me, myself, and I
I am finding it somewhat cathartic to write down my honest thoughts.
I went and saw Logan in the theatre today, in an early matinee. The violence was Shakespearean. It was enormously refreshing to see Wolverine using his claws in a straightforward way, and the action drove the narrative forward.
I am very glad that Daniel Craig has refused to make any more James Bond films.
I am in the habit of abbreviating my thoughts. This possibly makes it difficult to follow my chain of ideas, but I am growing less interested in going slow enough for the whoever-else to follow along, when I am writing for myself.
I have excellent pacing (clearly, this is the week in which I praise myself continually).
Now, to business.
I went to acting school, and I was a most earnest and diligent student. I am, as it were, trained.
My professors hated me.
Now, near the end of my academic career, I began to put together the pieces of the story; I started to see the patterns of how they disliked me, and how they blocked me from progressing in my career.
At the very end, I got angry, angry enough to fight back. I started, then, to get work, but in a way it was too late. I had seen too much corruption, and I could not invest myself deeply in the community of actors and directors there.
I started to cheat, in the way all successful people cheat, by rewriting the rules of engagement, and in my efforts I was quite successful.
But when you learn how to rewire the system, you start to think of the bigger picture. Once you realize that you can, over time, defeat the corruption, you start to wonder what kind of system will lend itself to a top-down subversion of this kind. And you start to think more coherently about what you want to gain from your efforts.
I started a community theatre troupe, after I graduated, and I directed a lot of plays that were open to the public. The public, I should note, adored our work. It was honest, and very fresh. People could bring their children to our shows, and we developed a reputation for intensely realistic action. I had an excellent fight choreographer, and some enthusiastic support people.
I could have stayed, but I didn’t. After a few years of growing success, I closed up shop, and moved far away.
Because the community, the underlying structure of the community, was myopic. There was no future for me, or for my ideas, in the cradled area I was working in. My actors had heart, but they proved, again and again, that they would not push themselves beyond a casual exertion. I was a competent professional surrounded by hobbyists.
I had one actor who was particularly talented; he reminds me forcefully of a young David Tennant. He said out loud, with his words, that he wanted to be an actor, but in practice? No. His actions never aligned with his words.
I had a pair of young women working for me who wanted to become leading ingenues.
How do you tell a woman that her career cannot begin to develop unless she deconstructs her personhood, and starts again from scratch?
And I did not have the money to fight an entrenched culture of generational enmeshment, which is anathema to successful performance.
I have a peculiar talent for reading people, and for untwining their souls. This makes me a most useful director, and a good author, but it does not make me into a comfortable sort of friend. I am a good friend, in that I am honest, and I seek the best interests of my acquaintances, but I am not comfortable to people who want to remain as they are.
I am, as it were, an igniting spark. Things happen around me.
I walked away from my life before because the conflagration that would have erupted from my rule-bending war on unhealthy art would not have been a constructive fire; the conditions were wrong. The timing was wrong. There is a time and a place to burn things down, and to build up new things in their place, but that time was not an optimal one.
Soon the conditions will change. Soon, there will be an appropriate outlet for my peculiar talents, and art will appear that will make you stop in awe and wonder.
Logan was quite good. I suspect, from the quality of the picture, that Hugh Jackman has lit a fire under the collective asses of his producers; he has, as it were, altered the rules of the game.
Bravo, Hugh Jackman.
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