How To Consistently Fail At Everything

First, if you’re aiming for failure, you  have to be a little bit exceptional.

The only way to be exceptional is to be yourself. Then, to fail, you have to be twisted into a horribly painful shape.

Guilt helps, and an abusive religious philosophy.

After you’re yourself, plus distorted, you need to get yourself raped, violated, compromised, exposed, and permanently damaged. Sexual trauma is the most effective, because then you don’t trust people, and you hate sexual feelings pretty much forever after that.

After this step, you need to marinate in a heavy depression, unmedicated, and preferably alone, for several years.

Once you’re so depressed that even killing yourself seems like too much effort, you’re ready to try some epic failure.

Here are some great ways to fail:

a) Try to make friends. They will have so little ability to relate to your genuine pain that you will seem like a bad person, and your self-hate will compact poisonously.

b) Help other people. This will magnify your despair and loneliness; because you now have such a high threshold of authentic empathy, and because you are so difficult to shock, you will become the world’s most effective free therapist. You will make many intimate friends, but none of them will notice or care about your internal state of anarchy.

c) Get a job. The mundane and ludicrously simple requirements of working will compound your depression, and you will have many opportunities to meet and serve as a free therapist to coworkers, and to your boss. Be prepared to be sexually used at work, and to be everyone’s favorite confidant.

d) Exercise and eat better. Any form of yoga or regular exercise will shift the trauma in your muscles, and your nervous system will begin to flare up. You will have X-rated nightmares, and wake in a cold sweat. Sometimes you will fall down, or throw up, and you might not be able to walk for long distances. You will grow accustomed to a constant warm throbbing throughout your body.

e) Learn new skills. Gaining knowledge will expose you again and again to your utter inability to function as a human. You will have many flashbacks, and you will spiral back towards depression and negative ruminations. Cognitive feelings-based therapy will help, but only for fifteen minutes at a time. You will have relapses approximately every five hours. No one will take your problems seriously, because your body is behaving too dramatically. People will tell you that you just feel sorry for yourself.

f) Feel sorry for yourself. The more you work to extricate yourself from the madness and pain, the more you will come to realize that death is the only escape. Unfortunately for you, you are too responsible to commit suicide, so you often think about the time, sometime later, when you will be old enough to die of natural causes. No one around you will understand or sympathize with your obsession with death.

g) Find religion again. This will only help for about fifteen seconds; unfortunately for you, your trauma is all based under the umbrella of a rigorous God-philosophy. Christians will tell you to take your problems to God, and others will tell you to get therapy. No one will understand your complex reliance on and fear of deity.

h) Work really hard. At some point you will come to terms with the fact that in the lottery of life, you got just about the shortest stick that there is. You will begin to realize that you will never have a normal emotional life, that you will never fully heal, and that God is not interested in fixing your brain. You will yearn for the numbness of depression to return.

i) Give up on fixing yourself, and hope that things get better someday, even though you’ve accepted that they probably won’t.

j) Get mad at the pathetic excuses for humans that lie and cheat and pretend to be sad and depressed in order to extort pain, service, and sympathy from other humans. Vow to expose these manipulative liars wherever you find them. Fantasize about a different world, where you have a big white sword and a mission to eradicate evil.

k) Start writing fantasy novels to escape the horror of your daily life.

The End.