7 Green Aliens That Will Destroy Your Bad Dreams

Well, guys, it’s super hard to develop boundaries when you’re already deeply established in a non-boundarized life. But hey, the extraterrestrials will help!

  1. The first green alien reminds us that we’ll be dead in seventy years, and life is short, so improve boundaries now, because once you’re dead, your energy signatures are set, and you don’t really want to be enmeshed with darkness when your soul crystalizes.
  2. The second green alien tells us that emotions are ephemeral, and heavily influenced by perception. Since we can control much of our thought process, we can shape our perceptions, which means we can influence the flow and depth of our emotional experience. Therefore, the second green alien says, improve your emotional life.
  3. The third green alien wants everyone to get along, and humanity makes him tired, so he doesn’t say anything at all.
  4. The fourth green alien thinks food fixes all problems, so he offers you some fresh xxutynthio from his home world. You decline, because it smells like hairy eyeball juice. But you thank him anyway.
  5. The fifth green alien didn’t get to the ship on time, so he sends his friends a thought message, and they tell you that you should sing a song about crying clouds. You suspect that something was lost in the thought transfer, but you’re on your best behavior, so you nod politely.
  6. The sixth alien has been secretly planning a planet-wide attack, so he kills the other aliens and latches his fingers into your sternum. He injects you with a subcutaneous mind-control ooze, and you become his slave.
  7. The seventh alien is dead, but she suspected the sixth alien of plotting something fishy, so her spirit energy explodes your new master’s head, and you are released from his power.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, you are no longer wholly human, so you set out on a life-long journey to assassinate evil black energy clouds that you find hanging around on the different continents. Along the way, you develop a taste for fresh seaweed and starlight.

Happy writing, people.

Lies for Honest People

So I was really depressed last night. In a fit of annoyance and ennui (ha ha, I know how to pronounce that word, do you?), I finally opened a Word document (I hate the new subscription model, but for some reason, shelling out $$ for the actual program makes my metaphorical toes curl–my actual toes do not curl in response to the price), and I started the old CBT shebang.

First, I wrote down that I was sad about yadda yadda. I started tackling All or Nothing Thinking, but something told me I wasn’t addressing the real problem, so I asked myself, why? About the sadness topic. And the answer was, Because I will make my mom sad, and my dad mad, and my one brother jealous.

Then, and this was the fun part, I questioned that. I asked myself, can I actually make other people feel things? On purpose? By my actions? And, I have been particularly on top of trying to do just that lately, within my awesome new boundaries, and it Just. Doesn’t. Work. At least, for me. Maybe I’m trying too hard, or I don’t lie enough. Or I’m bad at crocodile tears. Whatever.

Anyway, the point is that I know for sure that I don’t know how to make other people feel things. So when I said to myself that I would make all these three abusers sad, I suddenly had an epiphany.

I’m a trained actor, see, and I saw for the first time that my family of origin, my abuser network, they were all participating in a years-long acting exercise, except evil. They all worked together to lie to me, to convince me that I really did control their emotions. It was like a how-close-to-suicide-can-we-press-Victor-and-still-get-him-to-do-the-dishes game.

For serious.

And now I feel a lot better.

Here’s to hoping your writing is going well.

Loves and puppy kisses,


Depression: 9 Ways To Make Peace With It

I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling this way.

So I’m making plans to compensate, in case this case of the blues goes on for decades.

  1. Stop feeling sorry for myself. I’m depressed, you’re depressed, and that guy in Starbucks is clearly in denial about his relationship to his mother. Whoopee, what else is new?
  2. Make plans to compensate for life sucking. I, for example, bought completely unnecessary boxed pasta salads last weekend, and I’m going to have them for lunch this week. Because I want them.
  3. Ignore those people, the ones who expect you to be cheerful. They are probably either assholes without boundaries, or they are also depressed. Either way, not my job. Not your job, either.
  4. Stick to my routine like permanent glue. Who knows, maybe in two weeks I’ll have rock-hard abs and feel like condensed sunshine? Probably not, but whatever. As long as I’m still checking off the Habitica tasks, I’ll finish a novel this month, and that’s better than not finishing a novel this month.
  5. Lower your expectations. Like, for example, I’m probably too old to get everything that I want. So what is there to lose, right? I might as well make a fool out of myself trying. And giving up is for lame people. I might be depressed, but I hope I’m not lame.
  6. Stay home more. I can totally do all those chores next week, and my body hurts. So I’m lazy. What gives?
  7. Hold a Complaining Fest. Make popcorn. Throw darts. Whine volubly about the weather. Etc.
  8. Give up on fixing yourself, because that’s relaxing, and maybe I’m trying too hard, anyway. Maybe giving up is my way of finding acceptance, and giving up on denial.
  9. Take typing lessons online, because why not? And it’s fun when I score over 100 WPM.

Happy writing on a Sunday in August, and may the depression fairies cease squatting on your brain.

Everything changed again

I had gotten into a really good groove.

I’ve been letting my daily quota go quite a bit in the last few days, because pretty much everything in my life is in upheaval. Some moving stuff happened, and a new job happened.

I don’t know. I could be pushing myself harder on meeting my quotas, but I am tired of constantly trying to prove myself to anyone.

I said before that I read some assertiveness training materials.

The materials said that I have the right to judge my own feelings and thoughts, and that I don’t have to justify my emotions or actions to anyone.


I am so, so tired of feeling scrutinized all the time. I’m tired of scrutinizing myself on behalf of my parents. I’m tired of trying to earn the right to breathe.

I have a minimum quota of 2,000 words. I like to check off tasks for my writing on the Habitica website every day. I have probably eight or nine things, and I’m checking them all off. I’m keeping up with everything, I’m just not pushing myself to such awesome heights right now. I feel used up on the inside.

I want to find some new kind of consistency in my inner state. I want to have a nicer normal.

I’ve been doing bodyweight exercises for months; I’m starting to get arm muscles, which is novel.

Gosh. Anyway. Happy Friday, people.

How To Consistently Fail At Everything

First, if you’re aiming for failure, you  have to be a little bit exceptional.

The only way to be exceptional is to be yourself. Then, to fail, you have to be twisted into a horribly painful shape.

Guilt helps, and an abusive religious philosophy.

After you’re yourself, plus distorted, you need to get yourself raped, violated, compromised, exposed, and permanently damaged. Sexual trauma is the most effective, because then you don’t trust people, and you hate sexual feelings pretty much forever after that.

After this step, you need to marinate in a heavy depression, unmedicated, and preferably alone, for several years.

Once you’re so depressed that even killing yourself seems like too much effort, you’re ready to try some epic failure.

Here are some great ways to fail:

a) Try to make friends. They will have so little ability to relate to your genuine pain that you will seem like a bad person, and your self-hate will compact poisonously.

b) Help other people. This will magnify your despair and loneliness; because you now have such a high threshold of authentic empathy, and because you are so difficult to shock, you will become the world’s most effective free therapist. You will make many intimate friends, but none of them will notice or care about your internal state of anarchy.

c) Get a job. The mundane and ludicrously simple requirements of working will compound your depression, and you will have many opportunities to meet and serve as a free therapist to coworkers, and to your boss. Be prepared to be sexually used at work, and to be everyone’s favorite confidant.

d) Exercise and eat better. Any form of yoga or regular exercise will shift the trauma in your muscles, and your nervous system will begin to flare up. You will have X-rated nightmares, and wake in a cold sweat. Sometimes you will fall down, or throw up, and you might not be able to walk for long distances. You will grow accustomed to a constant warm throbbing throughout your body.

e) Learn new skills. Gaining knowledge will expose you again and again to your utter inability to function as a human. You will have many flashbacks, and you will spiral back towards depression and negative ruminations. Cognitive feelings-based therapy will help, but only for fifteen minutes at a time. You will have relapses approximately every five hours. No one will take your problems seriously, because your body is behaving too dramatically. People will tell you that you just feel sorry for yourself.

f) Feel sorry for yourself. The more you work to extricate yourself from the madness and pain, the more you will come to realize that death is the only escape. Unfortunately for you, you are too responsible to commit suicide, so you often think about the time, sometime later, when you will be old enough to die of natural causes. No one around you will understand or sympathize with your obsession with death.

g) Find religion again. This will only help for about fifteen seconds; unfortunately for you, your trauma is all based under the umbrella of a rigorous God-philosophy. Christians will tell you to take your problems to God, and others will tell you to get therapy. No one will understand your complex reliance on and fear of deity.

h) Work really hard. At some point you will come to terms with the fact that in the lottery of life, you got just about the shortest stick that there is. You will begin to realize that you will never have a normal emotional life, that you will never fully heal, and that God is not interested in fixing your brain. You will yearn for the numbness of depression to return.

i) Give up on fixing yourself, and hope that things get better someday, even though you’ve accepted that they probably won’t.

j) Get mad at the pathetic excuses for humans that lie and cheat and pretend to be sad and depressed in order to extort pain, service, and sympathy from other humans. Vow to expose these manipulative liars wherever you find them. Fantasize about a different world, where you have a big white sword and a mission to eradicate evil.

k) Start writing fantasy novels to escape the horror of your daily life.

The End.